It's OK to not be OK

I, Taali Munjiyah, found my purpose and light to become a Grief Coach when I was in the dark tunnel, and reached out to a Life Coach for guidance when I lost my mother. I did not receive the support and true resources that I desperately needed to pull me out of the dark tunnel I was in. I learned very early on while in that dark tunnel that I required someone who knows the type of pain I feel, to be the one I need in the tunnel with me. Someone who has experienced my type of grief. I can't expect someone who hasn't experienced my type of loss to remotely come close to understanding how broken I really am. I needed someone who could explain to me the extreme sadness and unstable emotions I was feeling on a daily basis, 24/7. I needed someone to tell me it was OK to not be OK. Instead, I started to tell myself that. I locked myself in my home for 6 months and tried to eat my pain away. I shut the outside world off and refused to believe I was truly out here in the world without my mother. I didn't open my blinds or windows. I barely cut the TV on because I didn't find comfort in voices or noise. Silence became my companion in that dark tunnel. Silence started to allow me to begin to acknowledge my emotional rollercoaster. I was able to see that I was not OK. I was able to see that being holed up in the dark for months was not OK. I then begin to talk to myself out loud. I begin to tell myself it was OK to not be OK and that was something I repeated multiple times a day, until one day I decided to step outside my front door. That was the day I accepted my mother was not coming back to me. For 6 months I didn't accept that and for 6 months I was in that dark tunnel. Once I accepted that reality, I then had to understand WHY she wasn't coming back to me. That is how I was able to find the glimmer of light through that dark tunnel. Those two key grief pathways I learned on my own and I truly wish I had me a ME. A Grief Coach. Someone who would have gotten me to that glimmer of light before 6 months. Someone who would have given me coping mechanisms that would help me to be in society, work, be in public and simply show up for myself, because I struggled with that the most. Through various coping mechanisms I've learned and implemented into my daily life, I knew once I was out of that dark tunnel that becoming a Grief Coach was my purpose. I don't wish grief on anyone, especially going through the darkest time without support, because it will 100% be dark before it's ever light. That is the hard truth. 

I want you to know that I am someone who knows what that dark tunnel feels like, and I need you to understand that no matter what you may be feeling currently or recently. You are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for, because in your darkest hour, YOU are who picked yourself up. Dried your own tears and said absolutely nothing. And that in itself showed your strength. You showed up for yourself no matter how it looked to get there. I didn't have anyone to take my hand and help me out that dark tunnel. Please take my hand and let me help you the rest of the way out that dark tunnel.  Always remember, no matter what, it's OK to not be OK.

Taali Muniiyah